Beginning Moves
How to Give Advice to a Social Partner
by Eric Dahlman
In ballroom dancing, we all love social dancing in one way or another. Social events are a great way to meet other dancers, relax outside of a competition setting, and enjoy the music. While there is a lot to love about social dances, we all have those moments where we are dancing with a partner where we just do not feel in sync. At these times, we can feel a need to critique the partner as we would regularly do at practice, however, this judgement is likely to help no one. Yet we ask ourselves “if I don’t help them, how will they improve?” We never will be able to completely remove this dilemma from social dancing. Everyone is still improving their dancing ability regardless of their current skill level. While the best solution to the problem is most often to simply learn to enjoy the social dance, here are a couple of suggestions I have to for you to help your temporary partners.
Before you even think about critiquing a social partner, you should first ask yourself if your advice is truly necessary. Is the way your partner is currently dancing actually harming anyone, or is your advice really just a way to make yourself feel superior? I have been with several dancers with bad habits that may have made the dance initially feel a little uncomfortable. A follow who back led too strongly, a dancer who gave a weak connection, someone who never had enough drive to make it past other couples; take your pick. However, there was never a time where I had to stop enjoying the dance I shared with any of those people simply because of those traits. I had to enjoy them differently for sure, but I still always had a good time. In any of those cases, telling my partners about their faults would only have made the situation worse by starting a fight between us. Social dances are not the time to point out flaws like at practice. You do not go to a party telling people how they could have dressed better. Similarly, you do tell people how to improve dancing at a social event. It is just for fun.
A good way to guide whether or not a suggestion at a social dance is helpful is following what I like to call the “Rule of 10”. If what you are trying to fix could be improved in 10 seconds (fixing posture, quickly realigning frame, or guiding away from a mass of other dancers), you can whisper the advice to the other person. However, if what you are trying to fix would need at least 10 minutes of practice to improve (teaching them how to roll across their foot, fixing how they hold their connection, or completely reteaching them a move or dance), you probably are better off holding your tongue, as there will not be a change within the night. Instead just enjoy the music and how pretty you are dressed, and wait until you see the person at a practice before you recommend how to upgrade their dance. Do not expect people to make changes that you would not be able to make yourself.
If throughout a song your social partner seems not to understand your steps, try sticking to more basic moves. Perhaps it is only my perspective, but I feel that many experienced dancers hold an unspoken stigma against only relying on fundamental technique while social dancing. The basics are dull. Everyone seems to want to show off what awesome moves they used with their partner at the last competition. However, if you dance outside your social partner’s range of knowledge, you are not really dancing together, and both of you will have a bad time. I fully support only using basic steps at a social event until you appraise how smoothly your new partner dances with you. If the steps are going well, throw in a different move. If you are both are still finding your footing, give it more time. The two of you will enjoy a simpler dance with only a few changing moves, more than a haphazard dance where both of you are lost. Trust me, no one will think you are boring for sticking to fundamentals.
Perhaps you do find a dance where your partner could benefit from some quick advice. This is where a polite tone of voice becomes important. With your competition partners, you have probably reached a point where you are allowed to be more direct. If you want to change something, you can probably say something such as: “you should do that differently” or “we need to change this.” The same rules do not apply with new people at social dances. If you use the same tactics, you run a high risk of offending your social partner. My best recommendation is to phrase your suggestion in a way that motivates the partner to want to make the change themselves. For example, I once had a situation with a newer follow where we both kept knocking into each other during a waltz. After a quick look, I noticed our frame was at an angle because our shoulders were not parallel. My partner was facing towards me rather than looking over my shoulder, leaving us in an unbalanced position. A couple awkward steps later, and my partner asked if there was a way to prevent us from bumping. I could have simply told her, “our frame isn’t equal, look over my shoulder and we’ll be aligned,” but instead I replied to her with her name, and “one issue might be that our frame isn’t aligned. If you try looking over my right shoulder more, and we keep our shoulders parallel, we might be able to fix it.” Almost immediately, my partner understood and wanted to make the change. If I would have been as direct as the first example, she most likely would have been made frustrated and not paid attention to the direction.
Most often in social dancing, problems that can be fixed over the course of a song, can be fixed without even speaking. The best way to accomplish this is by being the change you want to see in your partner. When you want your partner to straighten their posture, place special emphasis on your own stance so that the other dancer takes notice and makes the change to their own frame. If your partner has a weak connection, communicate a better connection through your own body. Your partner will likely feel the difference and improve with the knowledge. By leading through example, social partners can easily express how to improve and neither dancer is likely to be offended. Besides, we all know we could improve areas of our dancing. We should check that our stance is perfect before we recommend changes to another’s.
The purpose of social dancing is to have fun. Enjoying the experience should be top priority when at an event. However, we all have times when a dance does not go as smoothly. We should then ask ourselves if our advice to the other dancer is really necessary. Could the issue be fixed immediately? Are we making sure not to offend our partner? Most of the time, the dance can continue without our advice. In that case, just have fun in the moment. Other times, make sure you are helping in the best possible way. Keep in mind that no one needs to be perfect to enjoy a social dance. Everyone is there to have fun and if we give each other room to learn, there is nothing keeping anyone from having a great experience!