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Can't Touch This

By Kaylee Anderson

It's no secret that ballroom dancing is a contact sport. As fun as it would be to try and social dance without touching other people, it's essential that you have some sort of connection with your partner. But the important thing about ballroom dancing in particular is that you are agreeing to a certain type of contact with others. Participating in a class or a lesson doesn't necessarily mean you're walking into a place where every form of touching is okay. Having the lead's hand on a follow's shoulder blade? Perfectly acceptable. Thighs occasionally brushing each other? Happens all the time. The heel of a hand drifting to within an inch of my chest? Not so much.

The line can be tricky, though, especially depending on where you are. If you're in a private lesson with a professional instructor, most often you're agreeing to a lot. Usually the best way instructors can teach you is by moving your body parts themselves if they won't quite do what they want them to. It's a part of learning, to get the technique into your muscle memory so you know what “right" feels like, and without it, instructors would be at a loss. The important part here is that if an instructor ever does anything that makes you uncomfortable, speak up. It may be something they're used to doing with other clients that they don't think twice about, but if it crosses a boundary with you, then you have every right to say so. If they're a professional, they'll listen to you, and respect your wishes. If not, maybe it would be best to find someone who's more respectful of your personal needs.

For the most part, however, instructors are not the problem. It's social dancing where people don't always consider personal boundaries, and it all depends on what they've been taught. Some ballroom communities emphasize asking permission to dance with someone as well as keeping hands in a respectful place. Others concentrate more on learning a variety of dances, and less on the interactive aspect of the dance community. Regardless, as a follow I am told that if someone asks me to dance, I should always say yes. In general, this makes sense--it's polite, it makes everyone feel included, and it allows people to dance with others at a variety of levels. But there are times where I feel uncomfortable saying yes, especially if the person asking me onto the floor is someone I've had negative experiences with. There are dancers who will try and hold you closer than is acceptable, who will try and escort you off the floor by wrapping their arm around your waist instead of offering you their arm. Often these are people I've just met who assume that they are allowed to invade all of my personal space beyond what partner dancing requires. More often than not, it's older men who are the worst perpetrators, and it's this sort of mindset that dancers should be steering away from. Yes, ballroom dancing is a contact sport, and yes, I am consenting to being touched respectfully when I attend social dances, but under no circumstances should people assume that they have the right to touch me wherever they please.

As a female follow, I am exposed to my fair share of sexism, and with my experience I would not consider this a separate issue. Often I will see male leads who assume that they have the right to all of their female follow's personal space, especially if they are on the older end of the spectrum, and I've grown frustrated with making up excuses when people who make me uncomfortable ask me to dance. I wish I could just politely decline, and not seem rude, but I think at this point in time it's difficult for that to be a reality. Instead, something we should all start doing is being more conscious of how we interact with one another in the world of dancing.

Teaching people to ask instead of assume is a key part of understanding what consent is, and how important it is when it comes to ballroom. If you don't know the person you are dancing with, or what that person is comfortable with, ask to make sure they're okay with a more intimate dance position or risky move. It won't make you look obsessive or over the top---it'll make you look like a considerate, compassionate dancer who doesn't ignore boundaries. If they say they're comfortable with it, you have their consent. If they say no, respect their wishes, and move on. You'll save someone an uncomfortable evening, and ensure that they'll want to dance with you again. When you get to know someone better, consent becomes more nuanced---you know what they are alright with, and you also know how to read their body language. But even then, if you're not sure, ask. It's respectful, and it's important.

Not everyone has the exact same personal bubble. Some people are fine with just about any form of contact, while others hate to be hugged. The only way to tell is to read both their verbal, and nonverbal cues, and if you do that, you're golden. You'll know what to do, and all parties will be happy. In the meantime, don't forget to respect your own boundaries. If someone makes you uncomfortable, don't be afraid to decline a dance or two. You should never have to put yourself in a place where you feel unsafe, and if you do ever find yourself in that type of situation, don't hesitate to reach out to others who can help. The more we teach dancers about consent, the happier everyone will be, and the less offers to dance will be turned down. The world is a cheerful place when everybody gets to dance.

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