Lessons for Life--and Dance

How to Translate Dale Carnegie’s Life Advice Into a Better Social Dance Experience

By Alexzandra Enger

Ahh, social dancing. No matter your level of skill, or involvement in the ballroom dance community, there’s a very good chance you’ve encountered social dancing at some point. Whether social dancing is your absolute favorite part of partner dancing, or if it’s just another thing that you do sometimes, having a good time social dancing often hinges upon pleasant social interaction with your partners and fellow dancers. Dale Carnegie’s lessons in his bestselling book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People," typically meant to give people a road map for navigating the professional world to improve their success, are applicable for social interactions, and fostering warm relationships, as well.

First, consider what the point of social dancing is. Social dancing has its fingers in multiple pots; it’s a time for learning, and experimentation, a way to connect with others of similar interests, and a party all at once. Maintaining the balance between dancing, and social interaction isn’t as difficult as it may seem, and depending on who you’re dancing with, the level of conversation compared to your focus on dancing may differ. For example, when I social dance with my competitive partner we don’t often engage in conversation. He and I are both driven by a desire to top our last performance, and simply dancing together with full concentration on giving each other the best we can is enough to satisfy us. However, when I dance with those I don’t know as well, conversation takes on a much larger role. Dancing becomes a means for developing a friendly relationship, but all too often I notice that conversations can dry up or fizzle out, and the partners are left, awkwardly, with nothing remaining to talk about. Carrying on a conversation can, and will significantly increase the perceived quality, and satisfaction of the interaction, and both partners are more likely to walk away pleased with the time spent together.

Maintaining a conversation isn’t nearly as difficult as it can seem, if you’ve read Carnegie’s book. First of all, presentation is key. Smiling and remembering a person’s name are little things that sometimes are overlooked, but have a massive impact on what comes afterwards. Use the person’s name a few times throughout the conversation, and say something with their name in it as you’re exiting the floor. A simple "I had a great time dancing with you, Jack. Thank you!" goes a long way to improve that person’s perception of you. After that, it’s all about keeping the conversation going. Being genuinely interested in the other person, and what they have to say, goes a long way, and is often underrated. It’s pretty easy to tell when your partner is disinterested, and it’s quite disheartening. Paying attention to, acknowledging, and adding to the conversation as it goes along will make your partner feel as though their words are properly valued.

This leads into another point--make the other person feel important. If your partner feels like a body just there to be your dancing framework, it’s not likely that either of you will leave that partnership with pleasant feelings. Portraying your interest goes a long way in showing your partner that you value them. Finally, the best way to keep the conversation, and the pleasant feelings, going is to encourage the other person to talk about themselves, and if that fails, to talk in terms of the other person’s portrayed interests. If your conversation with your partner leads to how they’re excited for the upcoming state fair, but fizzles out quickly because they don’t know what to talk about next, keep the conversation going by sharing a fun or funny experience you’ve had at the state fair, and ask them if they’ve got any good stories to share, too.

Just as with dancing, conversation gets easier with practice. While actively keeping a conversation going in a natural manner may feel slightly awkward or forced right now, if you keep working at it as hard as you’re working on your promenade position, it’ll come to you just as naturally as your double reverse now does. Man, were those heel turns tricky at the very beginning, but eventually they became second nature, just as my social conversation skills have.